11th Lect-TANNEN

CMN 457, Spring 2003

Exercises on Chapters 4, 5, and 6 in Tannen, D. (1986). That's not what I meant! How conversational style makes or breaks relationships. New York: Ballantine Books.
Prof John Shotter

TANNEN CH4: WHY DON'T SAY WHAT WE MEAN

-Q.1 (p.55): If earlier chapters were to do with how we talk, what are these chapters to do with?

The conversational signals - pausing, pacing, pitch, and loudness - make up the 'how's' of talk. Here we are concerned with 'What we mean' (or don't mean) with our talk.

-Q.2 (p.55): What conflicting needs are we always trying to balance in our conversations?

The conflicting needs of involvement and independence... meaning what we don't exactly say: indirectness

-Q.3 (pp.55-56): What do many people, especially Americans, associate with indirectness?

Dishonesty, insincerity

-Q.4 (p.56): What is the information in metamessages to do with?

Orientation toward the character of the relationships within which we are involved - orientation toward the appropriate set of background expectations and anticipations.

-Q.5 (p.56): What are the two major 'payoffs' to being understood indirectly?

1) Rapport, i.e., staying in a good and easy relationship with those who matter to us; and 2) self-defense, i.e., avoiding confrontations or over-commitments.

PART I. WHY WE WON'T SAY WHAT WE MEAN

The Metamessage of Rapport

-Ex.1 (pp.57-59): Why is rapport important in relations? How is it communicated, i.e., 'shown' in what one does and says? Give some of your own examples.

1) Was Greg thinking of Cynthia while fixing a snack?... that automatic 'taking of others into account' in one's own plans... crucial to the maintaining of good relations with others.
2) Birthday gifts: the metamessage that the others know you 'well enough' to get you what you would like, and cares enough to make the effort to get it... Thomas got neighbors to pick up Nancy's gloves for him. Nancy was upset.
3) Greek woman: if father said: "Yes, of course go," then she went to the dance; if he said: "If you want, you can go," than bad idea.... father trying not to be tyannical... daughter still chooses.

Indirectness allows all to feel respected as individuals, able to make their own choices about their lives, and not be living under the 'power' of others... later classes on power will be relevant here.

The Protective Armor of Indirectness

-Ex.2 (p.59): Give an example of how you have saved yourself from the 'rejection' of a 'direct refusal'.

Avoiding confrontation... avoiding refusal and rejection

The Danger of Indirectness

-Ex.3. (pp.59-60): Give an example of getting yourself into trouble through not being direct.

The student in Garfinkel's pseudo-counseling experiment... "Mother feels that as long as Dad is not directly opposed to this situation that I should go ahead and continue dating until he makes some direct statement to the contrary." But the son knows that if he acts on his father's indirectness as if direct, then there will be trouble.

Just joking

-Ex.4. (pp.60-61): Give an example of a 'just joking' episode (not necessarily so sexually oriented as Tannen's).

Many ways of saying one thing and meaning another: irony, sarcasm, and other figures of speech: 1) Rapport pleasure... shared laughter... ; 2) Defensive benefit: "just joking"

Example of: Moe and Rhoda... Rhoda will neck with him but won't 'go all the way'.. Moe acts out his 'hurt' in excess.

The Aesthetic Pleasure of Indirectness

-Ex.5 (pp.61-62): Have you ever had the aesthetic pleasure of feeling really in-tune in a relationship? If so, describe an episode.

The 'erotics' or 'poetics' of conversation... the joy of making, weaving, building, creating... finesse... etc.

PART II. WHY WE CAN'T SAY WHAT WE MEAN

Why don't we just communicate directly?

Even if we wanted to, would couldn't!

Because of the following difficulties with: i) which truth to tell; ii) countless assumptions (cf. Garfinkel's Dana convrsation); iii) hurting others; iv) different styles make what 'counts as' honesty not easy to decide.

Which Truth?

-Ex.6 (pp.64-65): Think of a circumstance in which you had Ellen's problem.

Ellen's problem... living independently in the city... different person with each different listener: 1) how well she was doing; 2) how bad were many aspects of her life... both TRUE!

-1) Positive picture with relatives and parent's friends... she didn't want them to worry about her
-2) Negative picture with old friends from high school... she didn't want either to bore them or make them envious of her

Directness is not Enough

-Ex.7 (pp.65-67): Have you had any experiences like these?

1) A man arrived at an international airport carrying no luggage and a briefcase filled with paper covered with odd symbols.... Where would he be staying? -- He didn't know... What did he have in his briefcase? -- Handouts... detained for some time before letting him go... Answering directly not enough: officials did not know enough to ask the right questions.
2) Ross and Claire: Ross disorients Claire as she had assumed he was 'at home'... Neither comes our directly with: What are you taking about. Why? Because "... waiting for something later to make clear what was meant before...[is a property] of ordinary conversational talk" (Garfinkel, 1967, p. 42).

When honesty is unkind

-Ex.8 (pp.67-69): How have you avoided hurting someone?

Ruth, Emma, and Emma's husband and another friend: Should Emma have been honest and told her husband she wanted an evening with Ruth alone?

-But he would have been hurt to have been told he wasn't wanted.
-What if Emma had tried saying: "I love you, I love your company, but I want to talk to Ruth alone"... work in some cases... because both subscribe to a new system... not always work: people believe metamessages more than actual messages.

Differing Styles Make Honesty Opaque

Ruth and Albert: Ruth said she had business in Huston on Thursday... Albert: Great! Let's have dinner Thursday evening... Why didn't Ruth say NO to Albert?

-She wasn't prepared to deflect Albert as she wasn't expecting such a direct response.

Who's Manipulative?

-Ex.9 (pp.69-71): An important exercise - Give an example of when you felt manipulated, but, when everything was explained, you felt better. Give an example when someone else has accused you of manipulating them.

Ruth felt manipulated by Albert... but he was not bullying her, but simply showing his enthusiam.

Differences in Styles:

-Ruth and Pam: Pam felt manipulated by Ruth... why did Ruth make her draw the conclusions for them both? Ruth should have told her straight out that she wasn't going to get the tickets. That is what Pam herself would have done.
-Those who do not expect or like directness are i) not so much unwilling to use it, as ii) unable ti use it.
-Minerva indirect... Burt direct: Each feels manipulated by the other... but they are both just trying to get comfortable.
-V. IMP: "The danger - and inaccuracy - of a term like 'manipulation' is that it blames others for the way we feel in response to them" (p.71).

The Uses of Indirectness

-Ex.10 (pp.71-73): List what Tannen says are the uses of indirectness.

1) Payoff in rapport
2) Payoff in self-defense

"The beauty and pitfalls of language are two sides of the same coin. A word spoken, a small gesture, can have meaning far beyond its literal sense. But subtle signals can be missed, and meaning can be gleaned that wasn't intended and may or may not be valid. Our power to communicate so much by so few words inevitably entails the danger of miscommunication" (p.72).

TANNEN CH 5: FRAMING AND REFRAMING

Framing is a way of 'showing' as we speak and act, how others should or ought to make sense of what we say and do, and also, of how we make sense of what others say and do from what they 'show' us in their saying and doing.

-Q.1(p.74): Who coined the concept of 'framing'? What suggested it to him?

Bateson (1972)... young monkeys in Fleishhacker Zoo playing... how could they 'tell' each other it was 'only play'?... through metacommunication... by what cues?

Q.2 (p.75): What are the 'signals' and 'devices' we use to accomplish 'framing'?

-Subtle signals: tone of voice, intonation, facial expression
-Frame an utterance as: serious, joking, teasing, angry, polite, ironic, and so on.

Q.3 (p.75): List some of the 'small, passing' frames Tannen lists; also, list some of the 'larger' frames to which these small frames can belong.

-Small passing frames create larger frames: utterances framed as "giving information" contribute to the larger frame of "Teaching;" teasing and complimenting parts of the larger frame of "Courting," and so on.
-Framing.... footing
-Framing can only be done indirectly... to name a frame is to invoke another, different one.
-To re-frame: we must metacommunicate

What's a Frame?

-Ex.1 (p.76): Give some examples of frames in conversations? Also, some examples where people misunderstand each other's frames.

Monica and Jay: They end up at a bad restaurant... Jay feels tricked, Monica never says what she wants...

-She expects a 'negotiation', but hears a 'demand' from Jay about what he wants.
-She expects to start vague and work in, he expects to start specific and work out.
-She: QUESTION.. Step one in negotiation
-Him: SUGGESTION... Step one...

Frames Go Nameless

-Ex.2 (pp.77-80): Give some examples of how we 'indicate' a frame without explicitly naming it.

-1) If we want a 'little chat' with someone, we clearly want MORE than a little chat...
-2) If we ask others 'What do you MEAN by what your saying?' ... they reply, "What do YOU Mean by what do I mean?' Ask to name frame - a 'challenge'

-3) 'Stop it!'... addressing dog
-4) Trouble identifying frames in writing ... no conversational signals...writing: all explicit?? (not all)
-5) Talking with someone 'in person'
-6) This is only a test - War of the Worlds
-7) 'Paid Advertisment'

Exploiting Frames: Ads and Jokes

-White coat, serious demeanor, sober tone of voice - doctor

-Authoritative sounding voices

-Switching frames at end - from live person, to cardboard cutout
-I'll take you to the next town

Frames in Public: I'm Working, I'm Off Duty

-Mainstream America requires people to look busy, even if they are not (Those with power are least aware of it - cleaner cleaning a clean floor when I (professor) walk by... arouse resentment without realizing it.)

-Looking 'not busy' (cool) while actually being busy

Footing

-Ex.3 (p.82): Footing is an important concept - Goffman uses the term to identify the relationship between speakers. Give one or two examples of how a 'footing' has been established in relationships familiar to you.

1) Anne calling the post office in a snowstorm: 1) At first.... expectation of business; 2) Second... understanding of postman's plight.
2) Swimming pool attendant: it is 1) "me and the system against you;" or, 2) "you and me against the system."
3) Changing the frame from: "doing my job," to "teaching you a lesson."

The Power and Danger of Frames

-Ex.4 (pp.83-84): List what Tannen says is the power of frames, list also the danger.

By letting us "mean what we say without saying what we mean (in so many words)," they allow us to renege, i.e., go back, on our original intentions, perhaps sincerely:

-1) by saying: "I didn't mean it that way."
-2) by accusing: "What's wrong with you."

NEXT THREE SECTIONS:

1) The strength of the urge to stay in the frame.
2) Two main ways to manage conversational frames rather than simply being victims of them: (i) Metacommunicating; (ii) Reframing (indirect change).

1) Breaking the Frame

-Ex.5 (pp.84-86): Note what Tannen did in coping with her difficulties. What did she say she should have done?

1) Tannen 'stayed in the frame' in dealing with her vociferous critics.
2) What she should have done was 'break the frame'... either by metacommunicating or by indirectly changing it.

Metacommunicating

-Ex.6 (pp.86-87): List the ways in which she could have 'metacommunicated' her way out of the difficulties?

1) Explicit statement that interruptions were preventing Tannen getting to prepared points
2) Analyzed the interactions in terms of the lecture
3) Question whether the woman's intentions were to be rude and disruptive.

-These would all have reinforced the "frame battle" - whose frame is it anyway?
-Metacommunicating changes the frame: but gives substance to the old frame by making it the subject of the new one: metacommunication.
-Metacommunication carries a metamessage of involvement - like calling someone up to tell them: "I nver want to speak to you again."

Stepping outside the frame: "There are seventy-five other people in the room... give some others a chance."

Reframing in the Frame of Approval

-Ex.7 (pp.87-88): How was she 'metacommunicated' into a frame she didn't like?

1) Enthusiastic psychotherapists: Reframed her account as "He was hostile," rather than, "He was well-intentioned, but had a different style."
2) Psychotherapist touched her shoulder and said, "Let's role play that," casting Tannen as a patient and her as Tannen's therapist.
3) Break frame: explicit: "I'm not your patient," or indirectly, "Wait, I haven't finished yet."

Reframing as a Put-down

-Ex.8 (pp.88-89): Give some examples of how you have felt 'indirectly' insulted - what was the 'reframing' that did it?

1) Marjorie and Barb: "You don't have to go all the way to London not to be alone on Christmas" - double bind: geerous 'barb'... the message and the metamessage conflict.
2) Marjorie telling Sophia that Caroline was visiting, Sophia said: "Oh, good, you'll be bale to pick her brains."
3) Karen offers Laura a taste of her roast duck, and Laura offers her scallops to Karen, who declines: "You don't have so many. You keep them." - the "martyed mother" syndrom: "Don't mind me, I'll just sit in the dark."
4) Guilt inspirers: taking credit for being magnanimous (Karen) reframes the other's behavior (Laura) as depriving you (Laura did not return Karen's gift).

Frame Savers and Frame Breakers

-Ex.9 (pp.90-91): Give some examples where you have 'manipulated' the control of a situation by 'reframing'.

1) By waving people across at a lawful crossing, drivers 'take credit' for an externally defined situation.
2) Woman accepts the frame: hurries across.
3) Man refuses the frame: waves driver on.

The one who decides has the upper hand - power... (i) to go with the frame, or (ii) to resist???

Frames are Dynamic

-Ex.10 (pp.91-92): If communication is a continuous stream of activity, each speech act should be seen as simultaneously as....?

The 'footing' established at any one moment is occasioned [remember the term] by the 'footing' the moment before.

TANNEN CH.6: POWER AND SOLIDARITY

First example: Jack's mother in a nursing home: She likes them to call her "Millie;" Jack thinks the nurses have power over his mother because of it.

-Power and solidarity are to do with how we navigate or negotiate the balance between involvement (connection) and independence (separation) in our practical everyday affairs.
-"Power has to do both with controlling others - an extension of involvement - and resisting being controlled - and extension of independence: the desire not to be imposed on" (p.93).

It also has to do with our social status: the higher one's status, the more one has a right to control others, and to resist being controlled by them.

-"Solidarity is the drive to be friendly, similar to what we have called rapport, but power also establishes equal footing between people, so neither one can tell the other what to do" (pp.93-94) - solidarity is being in agreement with others, being at one with them, and feeling that they will support you just as much as you will support them.
-Paradoxical needs of independence and involvement.
-Their paradoxical relation: they are both mutually exclusive - power over someone excludes being at one with them - and mutually entailed - if others are at one with us (love us) we can get what we want, and if others fear us, we can also get what we want.

-Ex.1 (p.94): Do you know the ambiguous drawing, consisting of two human faces facing each other? It can be seen as two faces, or, as a vase. Study the parallels between the paradoxical relation between the faces and the vase, and power and solidarity.

The possibility of seeing faces, makes the possibility of seeing a vase also possible - the are both mutually exclusive and mutually entailed... "It's hard to see - because it is contradictory - that you love me and are using me" (p.95).

-Q.1 (p.95) Why do such paradoxes keep communication in a state of imbalance and continual correction?

Consider LOVE and FEAR:

-"Love implies wanting to please the ones we love, so getting others to love us is a way of getting what we want. Thus solidarity entails power" (p.94).
-"Fear results in doing what the ones we fear want, so getting others to fear us is a way of getting what we want - and getting signs of love. Thus power entails solidarity" (p.94).
-"The dimensions are also further intertwined because loving also entails fear that love will be lost. So both love and fear can result in feeling (or being) controlled and controlling (or trying to control) others" (p.94).

What's in a First Name?

-Ex.2 (p.95) Think of some examples where use of first names is not reciprocal?

1) Solidarity: when each calls the other by their first name.
2) Power: when one does, but it's not reciprocated.

Age, gender, and status all play roles here.

"Thanks, Honey"

-Ex.3 (pp.96-97) Think of some examples where men are called 'Sir', but women are called by first names, or by a diminutive (Honey, Babe, Doll, etc.)...

1) " I bet your husband calls you 'Honey' and you love it."
2) Why is 'Pal', 'Mac', 'Buddy', inappropriate for a woman?
3) Why is a pat on the arm condescending?... not reciprocal

Denying Power

-Q.2 (pp.97-98) Why is a one-way metamessage usually interpreted as showing a superior status?

1) Doctor: affecting false equality.

-Q.3 (p.99) Why does the act of granting others permission to treat one as an equal, frame one as being in a superior position?... "The act of granting permission to take a role of equality in itself frames one as in a superior position" (p.99).

3) Woman professor upset when students went too far in being 'equal'... patting her on the back... "Say pretty please."

-Q.4 (p.99) Why does solidarity undercut power?
-Ex.4 (p.99) Think of some examples where someone attempted to show solidarity, but came across as condescending?

Reframing Along the Power/Solidarity Dimension: Claiming Inappropriate Equality

Praise from another - can set them up as being in a position to judge you!

-Ex.5 (p.100) Think of some specific phrases people have used with you that have framed them as (or put them on a footing) superior to you.

1) Journalist gets a letter from a former student: "I was quite impressed by your article... Keep up the good work."
2) Teenage boy plays 'rock album' for father: Father impressed and begins to explain to son why it was so good! Son: "Can't I have anything to myself!"

Winning Friends to Influence People: Selling

-Q.5 (pp.101-3) How is the invoking of solidarity influential? Give some examples.

Acts as friend... invoking solidarity for the purposes of control... you are being manipulated.

Invoking Inappropriate Distance

-Q.6. (p.103) What is the opposite of solidarity? How can politeness come across as showing an inferior status?

1) Distance is the opposite of solidarity. "France is distancing itself from Bush's position."
2) Ways of talking that show politeness (intended to serve solidarity) by giving options to others or by keeping a distance from others, are the same ways that show deference, or inferior status.
3) Thus politeness can also come across as self-deprecating... sometimes gives the impression of being powerless, wishy-washy, wimpy... women and Southerners (outside the South).

-Q.7. (p.104) How might a failure of solidarity (shyness) be perceived as a display of power?

4) Lecturer disappears straightaway after having given talk: (i) interpreted as display of power, (ii) perhaps, a display of failure of solidarity.

Ambition

-Q.8. (pp.104-5) Are politicians only motivated by an ambition to control others?

Ambition is an expression of desire for both: power and solidarity.

1) One goal of ambition: exercise control over others.
2) Another: to be loved.

Political skills: remembering names and personal details... building rapport
Cynical view: feigning interest to garner favor (see Goffman later in "Presentation of Self...")
Model: Person who really spontaneously does all these things.

Power and Solidarity at Home

-Ex.6 (pp.105-108) Write a little story of the struggle occurring between (mostly) Ethel and Ben, and Max...

Conversation at Bill's home. Ethel and Ben are Bill's parents, and Max is their [old] stepfather-in-law.
Ethel and Ben are trying to get Max to eat some herring, and Max refuses (Sacks, 1971).

1) What for Ethel and Ben is framed as solidarity - taking care of Max - is for him a show of power - treating him like a little boy.
2) What for him is an exercise of independence - "I can eat what I want" - is for them, a failure of involvement - he has no one to take care of him. They all - stay within their own frames, so together they are caught in a spiraling frame of a battle of wills.

A Juggling Act

-Q.9. (p.109) Why is 'juggling' a good metaphor for describing what goes on in balancing power and solidarity?

Dynamic intertwining, 'orchestrating', continual shifting, oscillation