1) Exercises on Chapters 1, 2, and 3 in Tannen, D. (1986). That's not what I meant! How conversational style makes or breaks relationships. New York: Ballantine Books.

Prof John Shotter

Exercises on misunderstandings (Remember all these points in doing the following exercises):

• -1) Tannen's (1986) approach to speech communication is centered in relationships: "People prefer not to say exactly what they mean in so many words because they're not concerned only with the ideas they're expressing; but also - even more - concerned with the effect their words will have on those they're talking to. They want to make sure to maintain camaraderie, to avoid imposing, and to give (or at least appear to give) the other person some choice in the matter being discussed" (pp.7-8). "Our talk is saying something about our relationships" (p.15).
• -2) About the 'tools' approach: "Linguistics provides the terms that describe the processes of communication and therefore make it possible to see, talk, and think about them" (p.17) - what Schegloff calls "analytic resources," Tannen calls 'terms', and I (js) call 'tools' (to contrast with 'accurate theoretical pictures').
• -3) Important emphasis: Tannen emphasizes the conflicting human needs - the need for involvement and the need for independence, and the fact that one must try to balance these conflicting needs simultaneously.
• -4) Conversational styles (taken-for-granted background expectancies): Pay attention to the section called "Why?" (pp.9-10). i) In Tannen's family, explanations were frequently offered for what people did or said. ii) In her husband's family, this was not the case.
• -5) On page 23 she says, "these aren't actually rules, but senses we have of [what for us individually are] the 'natural' way to speak." It is these quite different background expectancies associated with different conversational styles that give rise to misunderstandings.
• -6) "Aspects of conversational style are the basic tools of talk - the way we show what we mean when we say (or don't say) something" (p.33, my emphasis). Why do I emphasize 'show'?...
• -7) In listening to a person speak, listeners construct meanings from differences between what they expect, and what actually occurs in the speaker's talk (in my phrasing of the theme).

TANNEN CH. 1: The problem is the process

• -Ex.1 (pp.4-5): Read the Judy Scott, and Sandy and Matt examples: Describe a relationship or episode in which you felt you never got a chance to explain yourself, even though you thought knew what to say: ...............
• -Judy doesn't get the chance to express herself as she would like
• -Sandy feels Matt doesn't really listen, Matt feels Sandy is too quiet
• -Differences in "conversational style" - what are the details in terms of which 'conversational style' is played out?

 
• -Ex.2 (pp.6-9): Give an example of how asking a question-to-give-a-hint was misunderstood: .......
• -DT: "Do you want to go to my sister's?"
• -H: "Okay" (seemed like 'going along')
• -DT: "Do you really want to go?"
• -H: "You're driving me crazy! Why don't you make up your mind what you want?"

• -Husband (assuming people don't just go around blurting out what they want) kept acting on hints I hadn't thrown out, I kept acting on hints he had.

DT grew up in a family in which explanations were offered as a matter of course.

• -H: "Let's drop by the Toliver's house tonight."
• -DT: "Why?"
• -H: "All right, we don't have to"

• -Ex.3 (pp.10-12): Give an example of how 'being honest', i.e., direct, (in your terms) got you into trouble.... DT's example: Stephanie and her mother's dog... what some would call 'honesty' others would call 'rudeness'... Stephanie offended by Linda saying she was just "too tired" for a dinner date.

"Many examples of rudeness, stubbornness, inconsiderateness, or refusal to cooperate are really caused by differences in conversational style" (p.13).

What's to be done?

• -Ex.4 (pp.13-14): List the proposals Tannen makes for avoiding misunderstandings:
• -1) Clarify intentions by explaining (accounting) them... "I was trying to ...." (Henry Higgins explains he's a phonetics professor).
• -2) Often, the most effective repair is to change the "frame"... exhibiting different assumptions: "Look, I'm not treating you as a child here, but as a responsible adult... just tell me slowly in your own words..." "Look, I'm not being angry, slow done... "
• -3) Being aware that misunderstandings can occur: "Stop... let's start again... I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions... Tell me again... and I'll listen more carefully this time"

 
• -......... Can you think of any others?

 

The Meaning is in the Metamessage

"Very little of what is said in important for the information expressed in the words... [But talk is] crucially important. As a way of showing that we are involved with each other, and how we feel about being involved" (p.15).

THE METAMESSAGE: "What is communicated about relationships - attitudes toward each other, the occasion, and what we are saying - is the metamessage" (p.16).

• -Ex.1 (pp.15-17): Give an example of when some said to you "Why did you say it like that?" - Dean: "Legally, we have to say it that way." Faculty: "But it conveys such a unfriendly attitude."
• -teasing, flirting, explaining, chastising... friendly, angry, quizzical... get closer, back off...

Involvement and Independence

• -(pp.17-18) Notice Schopenhauer's porcupine example.

Valuing Involvement and Independence

Balancing needs for involvement and independence: America has glorified individuality... stark contrast to many other parts of the world: family and clan... "What can we have done wrong such that our brothers and sisters have strayed?"

• -Exs.2 (pp.18-19): i) Is there the same difference between your mothers and fathers as between Tannen's?
• -Fathers want to exchange information and then 'hang up'; mothers to chat and 'keep in touch'
• -ii) Do you have any examples about 'bargaining' in another country?........... 'Small talk' a necessay foundation for conducting business.
• -iii) Do you have any examples of women maintaining their relationships better than men?: ....... "Believing that only the information level of communication is important and real lets men down when it comes to maintaining personal relationships" (p.19).

Need for involvement and independence: simultaneous

• -Ex.3 (pp.19-20): Has anyone said to you "I'm not angry (with clenched teeth in an impatient voice)"? Have you any other examples of a 'double bind' to offer the class? If so, we'll be interested to hear them: ..........

Information and Politeness in Talk

• -Exs.4 (pp.20-23): i) Notice H.P. Grice's 4 conversational maxims.
• -Overall: "Cooperative principle" - Make your talk fit the 'requirements' of the conversation - cooperate with your conversational partner; make your talk do just what is needed at the moment you utter it" (Grice, 1975, p.45).

• -1: quantity maxim: Say as much as necessary and no more... Dorothy Parker, the columnist, was famous for her wit. About someone who bored her she said "He tells me more than I want to know about (something)."
• -2: quality maxim: (i) Truth: Do not say anything you believe to be false; (ii) Evidence: do not say anything for which you lack the evidence.
• -3: relevancy maxim: Be relevant to the aims of the ongoing conversation.
• -4: manner maxim: Be clear, do not use unfamiliar language ('experts's only' jargon).

These all give rise to what Grice calls "conversational implicature," i.e., people's ability to 'infer' meanings form what you say:

"Is John in today."
"Well, there's a black Saab in the carpark."

"These all make perfect sense - until we start to listen to and think about real conversation" (p.21)

• -Why is Tannen critical of Grice?
• -"All the seeming absolutes underlying these injunctions are really relative..." (p.21).
• -"If what we mean shows involvement, we want to temper it to show we're not imposing" (p.21).
• -"If what we mean shows distance, we want to temper it to show we're not rejecting" (p.21).

This broad concept of the social goals we serve in our talk: "Politeness"

ii) Notice Lakoff's 3 'politeness rules'.

• -Rule 1. Don't impose: keep your distance
• -Rule 2. Give options; let the other person have a say.
• -Rule 3: Be friendly: maintain camaraderie.

Rule 1: Don't impose... Offered something to drink... at first say: "Oh, how kind, but that's alright..." give in at third offer. Accepting first offer is to impose
Rule 2: Give options... "What would you like to do today"... rather than: "(Let me) I'll tell you what I want to do today."
Rule 3: Be friendly... "Yes, thanks..." Refrigerator friends: "Got any juice!"

"These aren't actually rules, but senses we have of the 'natural' way to speak" (p.23).

Our use of these ways is not unconscious: "we spoke in the way we did 'to be nice' or 'friendly' or 'considerate'" (p.23).

The Two-edged Sword of Politeness

"You can be nice to someone either by showing your involvement or by not imposing" (p.24)

• -Ex.5 (pp.24-25): Both what we do say, and what you don't say, both send metamessages that become part of the meaning of a conversation. Exchange examples with each other of when this has happened to you....
• -Sue cancels a visit to Amy... Sue tried to be polite by not imposing on Amy... Amy respected Sue's need for independence... Sue took Amy's respect for her independence as not caring ... Amy later felt responsible for Sue's depression because she had not insisted Sue visit anyway.
• -American Jewish couple visiting husband's brother in Germany: brother's girlfriend German... girlfriend said visit to Dachau was "stupid"... brother wished to her, etc... she was offended by the assumption that being Jewish was cause for whispering and furtive glances.
• -Writer: a mildly critical colleague... prefaced mild criticism by saying "Frankly,...." (As if about to say: "Steel yourself. This is going to hurt a lot."

We often interpret signs of involvement as signs of imposition: "Maxwell wants to be left alone, Samantha wants attention. So she gives him attention, and he leaves her alone"(p.26).

• -Ex.6 (pp.26-28): i) Signs of involvement are very easily interpreted as signs of imposition. Give some examples from your own experience..... ii) While a lack of involvement is often treated as a lack of care. Give some examples ......

• -You said so
• -I said no such thing!
• -You did! I heard you!
• -Don't tell me what I said

Mixed Metamessages Across Cultures

Brits: ignore strangers, do not 'pry' into their affairs... Americans: politeness requires talk between strangers forced into sharing a restricted space.

• -Ex.7 (pp.28-30): Do you have any experience form going abroad, and finding your expectations, especially about being attended to, not met? .....

• -(Notice the Woody Allen joke about needing relationships... even when they give us so much trouble.)

TANNEN Ch.3: Conversational SIGNALS and DEVICES

Choosing from a great range of possibilities...

Tone of voice... at some rate of speed... with some intonation contour and loudness.... We are rarely conscious of how we say things.

Considerations:

• -1) May consciously consider what to say before speaking
• -2) But rarely consider how to say it
• -3) And almost never consciously consider pitch or speed

Conversational style is not an 'add on' extra - the basic stuff of which communication (our relationships - identities and realities) are made.

Main signals: pacing and pausing, loudness and pitch.

• -Ex.1 (pp.32-33): What are the main signals making up what is commonly thought of as intonation? .............

• -1) creating conversation by taking turns talking
• -2) showing how ideas (points) are related to each other
• -3) showing what we think we are doing when we talk (e.g., showing listening, interest, appreciation, rejecting, etc...)
• -4) revealing our feelings (not just of good or bad, but puzzlement, agreement, further info needed, etc.)

Conversational devices: expressive reactions; asking questions; complaining; and apologizing - used successfully (when styles are shared), and unsuccessfully (when styles differ).

PART I: CONVERSATIONAL SIGNALS: 'Hold your horses'/'What are you waiting for?' : pacing and pausing

i) How would you describe intonation's contribution to the making of a relationship?

• -Expectations about pausing and pacing
• -How do you know when the other has finished?
• -Other reasons for pausing: dramatic effect, finding the right words,...

 
• -Ex.2 (pp.34-35): Describe some of the possible meaning of pauses in turn-taking ........

• -interrupting
• -not attending

Who's shouting?/ Why are you whispering?: Loudness

In Sara's view, Betty whispered, but Betty thought Steven and Sara shouted

• -Ex.3 (pp.36-38): Describe some of the functions of changing the loudness with which one talks .............

• -1) This point is important
• -2) switching signals... "wait... "
• -3) expressing emotion

Business as usual/Expression of Emotion: Pitch and Intonation

• -Ex.4 (pp.38-42): What can be signaled by the 'music' in one's voice not meeting another's expectations? ......... (There are quite a number of answers here.)

• -questioning
• -uncertainty
• -seeking approval, verification
• -attitude: not serious... "It's (down) a novel!"... sincerity, ernestness, mock sincerity, etc...
• -women: more shifts than men.. Overemotional??
• -Japanese woman laughs when talking about her dead husband
• -Emphasis on a word: "What's the number please," "What's the number, ... please"

PART II: CONVERSATIONAL DEVICES AT WORK

Four devices: expressive reactions; asking questions; complaining; and apologizing - because they are not explicit, they can be misinterpreted.

1. I'm listening/ You're nuts: expressive reaction

• -Ex.5 (pp.43-45): What can happen if expressive responses are too strong? ....... Or, not strong enough? .........

2. When is interest interrogation?

• -Ex.6 (pp.45-46): When does interest flip over into surveillance and interrogation? ...........

3. The art of ritual complaining

• -Ex.7 (pp.47-48): How can ritual complaining be misunderstood? ..................

• -Jane and Sharon: Jane told of her mother's complaining. Sharon didn't respond with matching complaints form her mother..
• -Rick and Lenny: Lenny told a third colleague in Rick's presence, that Rick always comes into his office complaining of being 'overworked' but then never turns down assignments... Rick was hurt and said seriously: "I'll never complain to you again." Then Lenny was hurt: "I hope you don't mean that"

• -Ex.8 (pp.48-49): Describe other 'ritual' conversational gambits, their uses, and the misunderstandings they can create.............

1) "Why are you telling me this?" "I want to get to know you"... he expected her to follow suit.
2) Myna didn't really believe she had been at fault... Why did she apologize? A gesture of goodwill. She expected Lillian to follow suit.

The Gears of Conversation

Changes... switching...

Many of these signals can be changed if we become aware of them

But we cannot stop using them as they are the basic tools with which we build strategies for balancing involvement and independence.